Relationships, Role Models, and Video Games

It's That Time of Year, Again

As I write this, it's the end of January. It's cold and dark in the northern hemisphere, things seem depressing and horrible... and Valentine's day is something like two weeks away. This latter calamity is what prompted me to write this, uh, page? blog? essay?, but I think--and hope--it's applicable year 'round.

For a while now, a year and a half, maybe more, I've been the "bond mom" of sorts for the PervyRangers in Alchemia Story. In that time, I've been called upon dozens of times to offer advice, encouragement, and support for people's assorted problems, in-game and IRL. The vast majority of these have involved relationships with other people, and many of those were of a romantic nature.

I'm barely qualified to help with these sorts of problems, honestly; I'm old, and I've been married longer than some folks I know have been alive. To be fair, a lot of relationship problems are basically the same, easily remedied by common sense and pragmatism, but these aren't the ones I think of, worry about, and struggle with. Common sense I have a slight familiarity with; purely online, long-distance dating is something I have no first-hand experience with, and about which I know very little.

Anyway, this, uh, webpage, is my small attempt to remedy that.

If you know me, you almost certainly know my bond leader, Serenity. We've known each other for something like twenty-six months, and counting. We get along, and understand one another, very well, despite all our considerable differences.

From very early on, people have mistaken us for a couple, have tried to "ship" us. It's not like that. It's never going to be like that. We're good friends, but that's it. Honest! Sorry, yuri fans.

A year or so ago, there was someone in our bond briefly whose name I've unfortunately forgotten. Whomever she was, she shipped Serenity and I. Hard. She actually got weirdly belligerent when we (repeatedly) insisted we weren't a thing, and were never going to be a thing. She refused to believe us, insisted we were gaslighting her, lying to her. It was weird, awkward, and annoying, and I'm glad that absurd drama is long past.

But one thing that otherwise forgotten, and forgettable, shipper said to us has stuck with me, because of its at-the-time absurdity. She insisted that our relationship was an "inspiration" to fellow players, and that "lots of people" she knew hoped, dreamed, aspired to have a relationship like ours. Hyperbolic malarkey, clearly.

Or was it?

Well, I mean, it obviously was, 'cause nobody else has ever suggested that either of us are in any way inspirational in any way, lol. (Except possibly for the depth--in several senses--of our knowledge of obscure, arcane, and disturbing things, and perhaps our propensity for punning.)

But--and this is a big but (I like big buts and I cannot lie...)--I recently had this weird pseudo-epiphany that, if you don't know anything more about virtual dating, about having a romantic relationship in a virtual world like AlSto, you could probably do much worse than to emulate what we've done over the years.

Get to the Good Parts Already, Tat

I see so many people in AlSto who get drawn into a romantic relationship and then subsequently spend the overwhelming majority of their time just having a relationship. This seems to entail standing super close to their loved one for hours at a time, and taking turns telling one another how much they love them. If that works for you, yay. But don't take this the wrong way... that seems amazingly boring, to me, and kind of dumb. I'm not sure that's even love, or a relationship, for that matter; it seems more like... performative neediness.

I'm old; I've made no secret of this. Really old. Ancient. I was born in the 1970s. In my day, "love" was a precious word, a special word, that one used sparingly, almost cautiously. You didn't profess your love for someone you'd just met, for someone you'd just started dating. You'd say "I like you" or "I really like you", instead. Professing your love prematurely was a major red flag, a warning sign of emotional immaturity and all other sorts of possible problems ahead. It was a word people might not use until three, four, even six months into a relationship.

Now, I get it, I get it, times are different. But be that as it may, constantly professing your love for someone just seems weird, to me. It feels like a performative thing, something that gets stripped of its meaning through repetition. You should have trust in your partner, and trust that your partner trusts you, and doesn't need to be reminded of your affection every five minutes, sheesh.

The closest Serenity and I have ever come to professing our undying love for one another is quoting Rick Astley lyrics at each other. No, wait, hear me out. Leaving aside the obvious fact that, honest, we're not in love, this isn't the worst thing to be inspired by, really. A relationship (be it friendship or something more) should be fun! Laughter strengthens friendships, relationships of all sorts... even affection. But more than that, if and when your relationship comes to an end, what would you rather be left with--memories of the thousands of hours you spent "being in a relationship" and telling one another how much you (used to) mean to each other? Or memories of all the times you laughed and smiled and had fun together? All the things you did when you were a couple? I know which one I'd choose, and it's not a difficult choice at all.

I mean, look, everyone's different. If your cultural touchstones are anime or manga, rather than '80s pop songs or '90s movies, quote those, instead. As long as it makes you laugh, makes your partner laugh, you do you, right?

A weirdly large number of people out themselves as shippers when they ask us if everything's okay, are we fighting, simply because we're... not with one another, in-game. Believe me, being in a relationship doesn't mean surrendering your autonomy. You can do things separately, y'know. You should, honestly. We play different classes, we do different things, we need to grind different bosses, and so on. You can help and be supportive of your partner in a relationship without following them around like a shadow. Party chat exists; use it. You can talk about your day at work or school, about your hopes and dreams and fears and everything, while fighting different bosses, doing different things. Insisting on them being around is weirdly creepy again, very possessive. Don't be that person. And don't be the person who logs on and sits around waiting for your beau to login. It's kind of cringeworthy. Your friends are going to roll their eyes at you. Your bondmates are going to roll their eyes at you. That sweet, emotionally-available guy, gal, or ninja zombie werecat that you might have had a chance with six months from now is going to notice, remember... and roll their eyes at you.

In closing, please remember that this is just one ancient person's opinion, and opinions are like armpits; mine is warm and comfortable, yours is damp and gross. Thanks for reading, and best of luck on your adventures.

That's it, the end. There's no more here. What are you supposed to do now? Might I suggest you go back to the main page, maybe?