The Marlo Tribune, Volume Zero

Mysterious Illness Strikes Explorers

Hundreds of adventurers across the island were struck with a mysterious and as-yet unexplained illness on Tuesday which priests and healers have been unable to identify or treat. Symptoms include mild irritation, depression, and occasionally intense feelings of deja-vu. When contacted on a beach near the Fruiting Peninsula for comment, one Planetary Mage's experience was typical of those affected. "I just feel like I've been here before," they said, clearly perplexed. Asked to speculate about possible causes, they would only hazard a guess that "I sort of feel God is to blame... maybe He is unhappy with the way we treat the environment?" before insisting they had to get back to work and needed to collect a pair of super-tight booty shorts.

Erratic Behavious Amongst Reindeer Leaves Experts Baffled

Recent out-of-character behaviour by reindeer throughout our island has alarmed and confused most observers. A spokesperson for The Cult of the Eternal Reindeer said that widespread reports of unusual reindeer activity were difficult to diagnose but probably were a result of either hunger or feelings of inadequacy. She confirmed that reindeer are friendly and lovable creatures, but added, "this time of year, reindeer may be struggling for sustenance. While this phenomenon is normal, it might be made worse this year by unfortunate year-to-year variations in regional climate." She asks people to share their food with any reindeer they see, adding that they are particularly fond of croquettes and cheese. If reindeer seem disinterested in food, they might need their spirits lifted by dance, poetry, small donations of money, worship, or dirty jokes.

Confused Explorer Falls Down Well

A Duchy resident named Sol is recuperating today after being rescued from the well behind her house. Neighbors became aware of her cries for help early Saturday and alerted authorities, who wasted no time in standing around and speculating how she got herself into such a predicament. Happily a bond member arrived to help her out, and the young woman is expected to make a full recovery. Speaking on condition of anonymity, the young woman explained that she kept hearing people talk about the amazing things in the "well of Sol's" and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Let this be not one but two important lessons, readers. It's spelled "Well of Souls", and spelling is actually important.

Lewd Lolis Accidentally Summon Ancient Monster (Again)

Terror and fear were struck into the hearts of hundreds of explorers as a group of lewd lolis cavorting around the Sex Tree on Friday accidentally summoned the ancient and terrible creature known as Vehkus from its eternal slumber, in accordance with the ancient prophecies. The eldritch, six-limbed albino monster seemed more disoriented and confused than angry, according to surviving witnesses. After appearing in a cloud of dust and smoke, it half-heartedly sexually-harassed everyone nearby for a few minutes, complaining incredulously the whole while of its hunger and weakness. It was last seen shambling in the direction of Abul, cackling something about, we're told, "cucumber ducks". Reached for comment, a high priestess in Abul said that Vehkus mostly only poses a threat to women and lolis, but that it is severely vulnerable to flattery and foreign languages.

Healer Strike For Better Working Conditions Goes Unnoticed

Monks and priests banded together last weekend in a general strike to protest what they describe as systematic abuses of their skills, and their selves. Nobody's sure what their complaints and demands were, because nobody ever notices or talks to healers anyway. Asked for comment, Juliet, a regular visitor to the Tower of Time's spacious basement, denied noticing any healer shortage last weekend, or having heard of a strike. "Healer strike? No no, healer buff buff," she said in her distinctive style, "assassins strike strike."

Birthdays This Week

Prophets foretold that this week is the birthday of the ancient and beautiful demoness Iblis, known, loved, and feared throughout these lands. Asked her age, she growled "it's not polite to ask a lady's age, knave!" and devoured the reporter. She accepts prayers, offerings of fluffy stuff, and souls as tribute.

Other birthdays this week are anyone born this week in previous years. Duh.

Read the next issue or go back to the main page, maybe?