The Marlo Tribune, Volume One

Plague Strikes Duchy of Schlinger

Officials in the Duchy report an outbreak this week of a perplexing and virulent plague sweeping through the population there. Thought to have been brought from foreign parts by a contagious explorer, the disease initially begins as a mere runny nose, then progresses to fits of uncontrollable, explosive, sneezing. In terminal stages, the plague reportedly causes extreme fevers, which has led to a higher-than-usual number of people running around the Duchy without any clothes on.

There is no known cure for this plague at this time, which officials speculate is being exacerbated by chronic overcrowding in the Duchy. If affected, local community leaders recommend washing your hands after you sneeze, and making regular donations to the church.

Abandoned Weapons A Public Nuisance, Officials Say

People the island over have been perplexed this week by the sudden appearance of seemingly discarded weapons throughout parks and other public places. Civic leaders ask whomever is responsible to "seriously, stop doing that already," adding that "people could be hurt". Whilst no-one seems to know how these weapons are winding up on the ground, seemingly abandoned, equally perplexing is why nobody seems to want to take them.

"I know it's an Ousia Blade," said one Hero, nervously eyeing a weapon on a nearby pathway, "and I know it's far, far better than anything I own now." So why didn't she pick it up and take it? "I don't really know," she admitted, but added "I guess if somebody threw it away, there's got to be a reason. Maybe it's cursed. Yeah, that's probably it." While authorities try to get to the bottom of this nuisance, they urge people to watch where they step.

Religious Leaders Denounce Moon Festival

The announcement this week of an upcoming moon festival was met with harsh condemnation from Lulu, a prominent church leader in Abul. "This is unabashed paganism, plain and simple," she said, "with uncomfortable feminist undertones. I can't believe people would cavort with such primitive, supersitious nonsense in this age of relative enlightenment." When asked about reports that she'd been seen attending previous years' moon festivals, the priestess shrugged philosophically. "As a shepherd, I have to go where my flock is," she said piously, adding "besides, they do a really delicious grilled mochi."

Local Urchin Asks For Privacy

Outside Abul, an orphan's patience is growing thin. Tinkle, as the lad is called, asks that people, particularly explorers, please stop using the bushes behind his tent as a toilet. He is, he says, less bothered by the odious miasma and endless assortment of curiously barn-like noises that ensue than by the frequent sudden appearance of furtive, preoccupied, individuals. "It's not very nice," he complained, "they sneak around at all hours of day and night." He denied that he found them frightening, however, insisting it was more the lack of privacy he minded. "A reindeer interrupted my happy time once," he offered by way of cryptic explanation, an experience he would eventually, reluctantly, describe only as "highly traumatic". "Besides," he added, "I've got a sick sister. Is a little privacy too much to ask?"

Someone Leaves Casino With Money Still in Pocket

Whilst it's difficult to believe, the Tribune has it on good authority from several reputable witnesses that earlier this week a gambler left the island's largest casino with some of their own money still in their pocket. "I don't know what happened," said the casino's owner, Tris, who was visibly shaken by the incident. "They didn't leave with gambling winnings, but their own money. This has never happened before, and I want to assure the public that every measure is being taken to ensure that such an outrageous mishap doesn't repeat itself." For the greater good, she tells the Tribune that the subtly hypnotic lighting has been increased slightly in intensity and additional guards have been posted on and around the property.

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