The Marlo Tribune, Volume Three

Residents Alarmed As Adventurers Ignore Rampaging Monsters

Residents of our seemingly constantly disaster-plagued island this week discovered a new and unexpected cause for worry, as the latest mamono invasion from the mountains went largely unchecked by adventurers. The trouble began on Wednesday, terrified locals tell us, when hordes of never-before-seen monsters came, almost as regular as clockwork, rampaging down from the mountains bent on destruction. But where in past incidents of this sort a swift and violent response would be forthcoming from adventurers, this time the response was most notable by its complete absence.

Much finger-pointing was done by the usual suspects, each with their own, largely predictable, pet peeve, from too few lolis to not enough rain to too little fiber in the regional cuisine. But eyewitness reports from adventurers who've braved the mountains and surrounding, overrun, territory paint a particularly grim and worrisome picture. "I don't want anyone to be alarmed," said a mage named Serenity, "but there seem to be a few particularly large monsters which are proving almost impossible to defeat." She went on to explain that adventurers seem, for reasons beyond the ken of mortal man, to be concentrating exclusively on the subjugation of these extraordinarily difficult monsters, which some are calling "hellish", and in doing so entirely ignoring the more numerous, and no less dangerous, smaller mamonos.

"God hates you all and clearly revels in your endless, futile, suffering," said the dread demoness Iblis, when asked for comment on the sidelines of a particularly fierce battle. Others, however, laid the blame a little closer to home. "Adventurers need to realize that we're all in this together," said Serenity, "and to understand that we're most powerful when we all work together. Until then, we're being terrorized by a bunch of obese, pimple-faced child-like beasts... and mamonos, come to think of it."

Weapon-Littering Epidemic Ends as Abruptly as it Began

Have you carelessly not looked where you were walking and lopped off your foot at the ankle on an abandoned Ousia Axe this week? No, you have not. Happily, albeit inexplicably, the mysterious epidemic of abandoned weapons littering the island has ended just as abruptly as it began. While civic leaders applauded the lack of accidental gruesome dismemberments, some merchants managed to find cause for complaint.

"It was great for business, I'm not going to lie," said the bartender at Duchy's only tavern. "People would pack picnic baskets and go sit in parks, making a game of watching weapons and armor appear on the ground without warning, and hoping passers-by would trip over them. I hope someone comes up with some new sort of alcohol-fueled entertainment soon."

Local Religious Leader Complains of Being Misquoted

The Marlo Tribune extends a heartfelt apology to Lulu, a priestess in Abul. In a previous issue, we quoted her in connection with the upcoming healer strike (see below) as saying "If you ask me, every explorer needs to die," to which the priestess takes exception.

We apologize to Lulu, and note her for the record that her complete statement was, "If you ask me, every explorer needs to die occasionally, to be reminded of the eternal mercy of God and the importance of His blessing." We will endeavor to ensure that no similar such ommissions occur in the future.

Healer Strike Met With Mix of Support and Indifference

The second island-wide healer strike (October 5-12) kicked off today, and was met with a mix of support and indifference. Healers took to the picket lines to demand better working conditions, respect, and increased awareness of the unique challenges of their profession. Although the strike is still in its early stages, and it's far too early to tell what its lasting impact will be, the initial response was not encouraging.

Greeted by striking priests as they entered the mountain foothills to deal with the latest mamono invasion (see story above), adventurers expressed sympathy for the plight of the island's small number of overworked, and overlooked, healers, but then undercut their demands by agreeing they weren't as essential as they thought they were.

"We knew about the healer strike coming in," said a paladin named Noob, who was leading a party of assorted warriors against marauding mamonos. "Everybody switched to self-healing, and for the most part it's been working out fine, really." Asked if there had been any downsides to the strike, an assassin named Lena could only think of one. "I can't understand half the stuff the healers are going on about," she admitted. "It's all 'proletariat this' and 'plight of the working class that', and, well... I'm just not really sure what they're trying to say, and I don't know that they do, either."

Have you been affected, negatively or otherwise, by this healer strike? We invite your comments for our next issue.

Local Parents, Perverts, Protest at Mamono School

The announcement of a new series of free remedial classes at the Mamono School were largely met with a lukewarm, if generally positive, response from local residents, but a few concerned individuals took issue with certain of the additions to the curriculum and staged a brief protest earlier this week.

Several merchants and grocers took offense at the inclusion of class 014, "Your Friend Punctuation", which they described on a handwritten poster as "an needlessly, authoritarian attempt to instill prescriptivist attitude's about punctuation, in our friends' and family member's". Additionally, a local woman who asked not to be identified complained loudly that class 013, "Why Nobody Wants to See Your Peepee", not only kink-shamed residents with an exhibitionist streak but ignored the island's rich and colorful history, in which casual nudity and public lewdness have played undeniable prominent roles.

A spokesperson for the school declined to comment.

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