The Marlo Tribune, Volume Three

Loli Shortage Continues, Sparking Gloom and Despair

As the island's loli shortage continues into its third week, authorities remain puzzled and fans of the little munchkins are growing increasingly distraught. "There might not actually be a shortage of lolis, per se", said the mayor of the Duchy when confronted by anxious locals. "For all we know, they might all just be somewhere else. Until we have more information, it's far too early to panic."

His words had little impact on Juliet, well-known local afficionado of small, cute, people. "The world is over!" Juliet exclaimed, when reached for comment this week. "We are all doomed!" Repeating her belief that the loli shortage isn't a natural phenomenon but something of a more sinister character, she then announced an action plan, vowing to "free the lolis, and take them to Julie's house, [where] they will be safe for all eternity."

Cryptic messages from the so-called Loli Liberation Front continue to be received, though authorities deny any leads in the matter. Asked if they were aware of reports that a hero named Katsumigaoka had been overheard shouting "kill the loli!", the mayor of the Duchy just shrugged philosophically. "I'm sure it's completely unrelated," he opined, but refused to elaborate.

Pete Politely Requests to be Referred to by Name

During an unprecedented moment of protracted silence earlier this week, probably caused at least in part by the loli shortage, a group of people loitering at a popular gathering spot in the fields outside the Duchy were, according to reports, "scared", "terrified", and "freaked the heck out" when the arboreal entity formerly known as the sex tree politely informed all those present that it has a name—Pete—and would like to be addressed as such.

Pete's a little shy but friendly, once it gets talking, and says it's a great listener. Asked why it hadn't said anything about this previously, it explained somewhat plaintively "I've been meaning to, but I didn't want to be rude, so I've been waiting for the chance to get a word in."

Researchers Staring Into Circle Announce Discovery Everyone Already Knew

A team of researchers who have been studying the glowing circle in the basement of the Tower of Time for hours at a time these last few months this week announced the results of their work. "After exploring its sight, sound, and smell, and after hundreds of hours of deliberative meditation, we're pleased to announce out preliminary findings," the group's spokeswoman Airi said. "It appears that this cylindrical apparition of pulsating, coherent light may be an artifact of some sort of as-yet ill-understood confluence between the three-dimensional space of our own reality and another, possibly far more dangerous, plane of existence elsewhere."

"Good job," said an assassin named Captain, applauding the announcement slowly and sarcastically, "but have you ever tried entering the portal, like everybody else?" This produced a flustered ten-minute explanation from another researcher about the gross irresponsibility of physically interacting with the subject of one's scientific inquiry, and how doing so risks permanently altering both the subject of observation and the observer.

Any further points the researcher was going to make were cut short, literally, when Captain physically interacted with them and altered them by about a head with a single blow of his sword.

New, Weird Monsters Sighted; Trans-Dimensional Portal Blamed

Just as the island was getting to grips with being overrun by white foxes, a new and unexpected danger arrives, regular as clockwork. This time it's an invasion of some sort of bouncy hyperactive spherical monsters hitherto unknown in this island. While civil and religious leaders offered the usual explanations in attempts to forestall public panic—sunspots, earthquakes, puberty, and even climate change being among the suggestions—a prominent demoness offers a different explanation:they're trans-dimensional travelers bent on destruction.

"I told you," the demoness Ibliss said, correctly. "they're originally from the shadow realms, and now they're here."

New Popular Baby Name Confounds Local Explorers

The Abul Ministry of Vital Statistics reported this week that for the first time since records began being kept, the most popular name for new children born on this island is neither "Noctis" nor "Kirito", but "Melforce". "It's vexatious and perplexing, to be sure," said Ruri, a spokesperson for the bond Melforce, after whom all the children seem to be named. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, certainly, but we really rather wish they'd stop."

News of the announcement has reignited the long-running debate about the validity of nominative determinism—that is, the idea that your name influences your character and destiny. While there has been no formal scientific study yet, the general consensus amongst proponents of the theory is that people named Noctis are—or become—slow and calm, and those named Kirito loud and excitable. While it's probably far too early to draw definitive conclusions about people named Melforce, anecdotal evidence suggests they may all, inexplicably, be emotionally and developmentally stunted, with most barely able to form a coherent sentence in any language. A petition has even been circulated to collect all these unfortunate youngsters and sequester them somewhere for their own well-being, perhaps deep in the underground factory near the Village of Destruction.

Mamono School Announces New, Free, Remedial Classes

Staff at the Mamono School this week announced the addition of several new classes to the curriculum. The additions, all intended as remedial or corrective courses for ignorant residents and adventurers, will run for two weeks at a time before repeating, and be offered free of charge. "As we've taken in adventurers from across the island," a teacher at the school told a reporter, "we've discovered that things we believe were common knowledge all too frequently aren't."

The first classes, which begin next week, are course 010, Clothing and How to Wear it, course 011, Equipment and How to Use it, course 012, Talking, How Does it Work?, course 13, Why Nobody Wants to See Your Peepee, course 014, Your Friend Punctuation, course 015, Drama: What it is and How to Avoid it, and course 016, Conjugation For Fun and Profit, Part 1: Tenses of "Be" and How to Use Them Correctly.

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